In these days of post Dr.Spock and a host of other discoveries in child Psychology, a parent is likely to feel out of tune with the times unless he keeps himself informed about current developments in ways of handling children. For instance ignorance of and misunderstanding of the 'Oedipus complex' can lead to serious inability in man-women relationships in later life. Discipline that is irrelevant to the current stage of child's development can become 'adult oppression' with a possibility of it developing into anti-social rebellion in later life. On the other hand if the child is never punished for bad behavior, he may still develop unhealthy anti-social tendencies because the only way he can build constructs to cope with inevitable frustrations of reality is by being sensitive to parental approval and disapproval. Punishment therefore becomes inevitable in situations where you have to help the child to build such constructs.

Being one of the fortunate few who have been by effort and circumstances is aware of the various nuances of child development, I was more than ready when a typical punishment situation came up with my two and a quarter year old son last night. With a bad and restless day behind him, he was at his crankiest worst in the evening. After exploring a whole lot of alternatives to his tantrum offered by my wife, he finally chose to be quiet down himself and helped himself to liberal quantities of cake that my wife had just baked. After downing them with two full glasses of milk, my reluctant son was led to the bedroom by my wife in an effort to put him to sleep. Meanwhile quite unconcerned by the going's (there are times when you should ignore a child's action lest he gets 'negative attention'), I had finished my sumptuous supper and after placing a large chunk of cake on the nearest available plate, slipped into the drawing room quietly to enjoy it while watching the fish-tank. Having somehow sensed this (He is young enough to retain a high level of intuitive ability) my son promptly jumped down from the bed where he had been made to lie prone by my wife with promises of lullabies, fairy tales, a massage etc. and rushed into my fish tank field of view. Without warning he started complaining in a loud voice which threatened to bring in his earlier tantrums. He complained that the plate on which I was keeping the piece of cake was his. Though the truth of the statement dawned on me very soon, I knew that what he wanted was the cake and not the plate. Also he wanted the cake not because he was hungry (he had eaten more than his usual share and was full) but because he wanted to mess around and throw tiny pieces of cake all over the drawing room carpet and watch the brown dots stand up against the yellow of the carpet. May be there is something aesthetic in such an intention (probably born out of inherited creative tendencies) and I knew that aesthetic tendencies are to be encouraged. However the strength of the reality that the carpet was precious to me, being the only item I received as dowry from my wife and cakes are not cheap enough to simply throw around even when they are home-made, forced me to decide that my son was not going to have his way in this matter.

"Now hold on"' I told myself, "He is throwing a tantrum now. How are you going to help him see your point of view without making it traumatic for him?"

Luckily since I had never encouraged tantrums, my son realized the futility of it and instead chose to rush to my wife and complain to her that I had snatched his plate. Though I knew that he wanted the cake and not the plate, I wanted him to say so! I therefore promptly swallowed the cake while he was engaged in conversation in the bedroom with my wife. When my son returned to the drawing room in one of his pendulamatic movements between me and my wife (which he thought made his argument more effective), he was stumped to see me ready to hand over his 'empty plate' back to him.

I knew I had won the first round in getting him out of the tantrum and succeeded in establishing an atmosphere where dialogue is possible.

As expected, my son's next words were, "Daddy I want some cake in my plate"

"Do you want to eat it? Are you hungry?

--------Silence---------

"Tell me if you are going to eat it. If you are going to eat it then I will give you"

I did not say he was going to mess around with the cake even though I knew it because saying so will create an impasse in the dialogue.

"Yes I am going to eat it", said my son in a very reluctant tone.

He was lying. If I give him the cake, the situation will end in my punishing him with a 'whack' for not keeping his word. I decided therefore that the best way of handling the situation would be to let him decide the punishment himself if he fails to keep his word and thereby also put in place an internal control system that controls the undesirable urge to mess around with food.

I began by asking him, "Suppose I give you the cake and suppose you don't eat it then what shall I do?"

-------------------Silence--------------------------------

"Tell me my son what shall I do then?"

My son thought for a minute, then turned and looked me straight in the eye with his wide innocent two year old look and said with child like clarity,

"Then you eat it?'

He not only got his cake but also ate it to the last crumb.

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T.Jothi

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